MY NEW ADDICTION....... PINTEREST!

Here is a link to follow me on Pinterest. Just click on the Piterest button and it will take you there! It is such an amazing website and it's full of awesome pictures, ideas, DIY projects and much much more. I highly recommend it to anyone. You can pin things that you like and completely tailor it to yourself and your own aesthetic. I love this website and I know anyone who gets on it will. Not only is it awesome but it's super easy. If you need an invite let me know and I will send you one. When you go to sign up, you get put on a waiting list but if you get an invite from someone you can join. Happy Pinning to all.

These are just 2 examples of things you can find on Pinterest. There is SO much more. Have fun with it and build your own little pinning world.

THIS LITTLE ANGEL IS DRIVING MOMMY CRAZY TODAY!!!

It's my own fault. I had only 3 hours of sleep and she woke up at seven and I think just to punish me she has decided not to take any naps today. Patience has definitely been a virtue today. She deserves everything from me so even when I'm tired and do not want to clean, go anywhere, do laundry, run errands..... I still have all the energy, love and today patience. Just for her. Just now she is staring at herself in the mirror and laughing. My little girl sure knows how to make me smile on a day when I can barely move.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE GOOD THEY SEEM BAD

So just a short post. As I'm sure I just want to vent a tiny bit. I have been feeling so off today. Questioning myself and almost everything I'm doing. I seem to have been in a funk all day today. Feeling like I will never live up to my potential. That's if I really even have any REAL potential. I know that sounds so stupid and like I'm throwing myself a little pity party but the truth is, I am. I have been having a small, quiet, pity party all for myself today. I feel like I am never going to be as good as I want to be at the things that make me most happy. I find myself comparing myself to other people in a business type way. Through Photography, Arts and Creative Writing and I'm thinking today that Wow, maybe I'm just not good enough. So that's that. I'm sure I will have a wave of confidence again in a day or two, followed by another wave of self-doubt and wondering if I will make it to where I want to be. Shit. I hate this feeling.

DAY ONE

 

 I remember the night so clearly and undiluted. I remember every detail and feeling that came with it. I remember the dark parking lot, lit just enough with light to see exactly what was coming towards me. I remember that night dearly. The night I met Avi. Movie theater parking lot in Spanish Fork. I was hanging out with my really good friends that I hadn't been around for quite some time, due to a huge lifestyle change, I was in the right place at the exact right time. Out of the back door came this very tall, dark haired, gorgeous and yet meek in his own way, man. I would term it as sort of indifference to the fact that i was there until I learned better just a few weeks later. I remember being introduced, "this is Avi, Avi this is Megan". He leaned it closer turning his head slightly and asked again what my name was. "Megan", I said. He was leaning up against the car and we were all talking and making small plans for what we were going to do. We ended up heading over to my friend Wendee's mom's house. We laughed and talked, all as a group, played hacky sack and in a awkward yet comfortable way we were getting to know each other. I remember the very first time I realized that Avi had feelings for me was that same night when we went to my mom's house later. We were all sitting in my cluttered room with boxes all around because I had just barely moved back home to my moms. Avi was looking around and looked through the music I had. He said he never really met a girl that had the same taste in music. He was shy and yet I was even more so. Painfully shy. Given my past, and what i had been through I had no idea how to really interact with men. I had never been on a date with one and only ever had friends that were guys. So anything beyond that was foreign to me. I remember putting on a hat and as I looked up Avi was looking at me. Without hesitation he said to me, "Wow, you look really good in that hat." I was embarrassed and really had no idea how to take a compliment. I brushed it off without even acknowledging it. Rude? Yes. I didn't mean it to be though. I had no idea how to accept such a thing said to me. I did feel horrible and knew that he was probably never going to speak to me again. I liked him. I knew i liked him from the moment I saw him. It was automatic. Like we were already meant to be but it was never going to happen. Soon after they all left. I felt happy and sick all at the same time. I ruined any chance of getting to know him better and even ever seeing him again. For the best though I thought at the time. I was in no place to start up again with anyone.
 
 

BAM the next day I was invited out to a party and Avi was there. We talked a little and hung out, we even had the weirdest moment in the garage, by ourselves, that is indescribable. That day I told Avi he could move in with me. He must of thought I was a nut but then again probably not since he had agreed. Within three days of meeting Avi, I introduced him to my mom and he had a room in our basement. That was the beginning of it all. Nine years we have been together. NINE. I love you so much Av. You are a great man. So loving and loyal. Smart and creative. You are an amazing father and a great husband and my best friend. Even through tough times, I knew we would make it. We have made our house a home. Our friendship and unshakeable love and through that we have made our little Ava who has completed and complimented the both of us. I can not wait to see what life throws our way. We have been a great team in dealing with the bad and loving the good. I love you so much. You are my world, along with Ava, and to be without you would be excruciating. How lucky we are to be together. Best friends, lovers, parents, and devoted partners. I love you.

NEWNESS

I have found a newness in myself. It is a hard thing to describe and even to talk about but I am feeling it so much lately that I can't keep it in anymore. I have discovered more lately that if something keeps you coming back to it and it is unshakeable that it is probably something you should just face, head on. Good or bad. My newness is good. It's like i was in a fog for a while there. Just waking up, making it through the day and going to sleep. I had forgotten myself. What a crazy and sad thing to realize and be able to say out loud. I FORGOT MYSELF. What a strange way to live. I have discovered myself again and I am still discovering more and more of me. What it's like to LIVE and not just get by. It's pure and lovely to realize that you are back. Maybe even if you feel so far gone, overwhelmed, stressed, whatever it may be that one day you will awaken. I am feeling happy, creative, loved, whole, and I feel like for the first time in my life I have made up my mind to take a direction and it feels so good. I want to keep going and I want to push the envelope that held me so tight. Why not? Everyone should. So excited for what's to come and what has came already. I know life isn't perfect. I still have to realize that almost on a daily basis but I am finding I am more okay with the messiness of it. I realize that shit happens and it's how you deal with it that matters most of all. This has probably been one of the hardest weeks in terms of health and well being physically (getting knocked out snowboarding, having Lucy the spastastic dog shove me down our entire flight of stairs, laying at the bottom on the concrete, bleeding and bawling alone because Avi was out of town and on top of that catching a chest cold) but for some reason mentally and in my soul, discovery. I was so off but so on at the same time. I hope to continue on the path I am on. Love to all.

 

GOOD MORNING AVA!

 Everyone who has ever been a parent knows that feeling of indescribable love and adoration that you have for your child, or children. The moment that little soul enters the world, your world changes instantaneously. You become a better person. You are all of the sudden fuller. Even when you thought your life was full, complete, content, you realize that this was that peace you were longing for. Your child's smile, their laughter, their eyes so bright and innocent, their complete willingness to trust you and know that you are theirs and they are yours. I find it so hard to believe, to comprehend, that a child does not change everyone in this way, because of the way it changed me. I instantly became a mom. A loving, devoted mother bear. Willing to protect her at all costs. Willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe, happy and whole. Ava, one day I hope you look back on your life with your daddy and I and know that you were and are loved more than anything. To know that you always can come home and home will always be here. For now though, I am just going to enjoy you, my baby. Your silliness and fire. Your smart and bright spirit which has made me a better person. Sappy? Yes, it is, but I never knew such love. So here is to many, many, many more mornings with my sweet little Ava. You are very loved by many. When you are older, I hope you will read this. To my baba Ava. Love mommy (and dada). 

S.N.O.W

I am bummed about the snow this year. Snow for me is the equivalent of what sun and warmth is to most people. I would chose a cold, snowy day over a hot, sunny one any time. I am a snow bunny. I love it. The way it makes the world look. White and fluffy and clean. I love the smell of it. Crisp and fresh. When you stand outside late at night and feel all the little flakes kiss your skin and if everything is quiet you can actually hear the softness of the snow falling through the air and resting on the ground. The sky has a pinkish tint to it and everything feels so calm. So beautiful. I miss it a lot. This Winter has felt more like Spring and has only left trace amounts of snow on my lawn that melted about an hour later. I am sending this post out into the world as sort of a "snow dance". I am conjuring up the snow and I hope it works. Come on giant snow storm, please, please bring us some snow! I guess on the upside we still have a few more months left of Winter. I am hoping that February feels more like December and maybe mother nature has just been a little confused this year. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Well here it goes......

Hello blogging world. I can't believe I finally started a blog. I kept thinking to myself, "how silly to start a blog now, after everyone in the world has one". Then I realized what better time to start one. Share yourself with the people you love, people you know in passing and people you have yet to meet. This is a great outlet to do just that. I am way excited to get my blog up and going. What I have now will have to do for the next day or two, till I can really sit down and get it "just right". So Hello blogging world. I am now a drop in your puddle. Goodnight.